Transcript #5: The Belles of St Trinians
Part 3 of 3
Continued from Part 1
MILLICENT. Yes, you see I put the school funds on it. So, if you want to collect your salaries, you must help to release it.
WILSON. It’s come to this, the jolly old stipend on a non-runner.
MILLICENT. I propose to storm the barricades. I’m sure that if we make one concerted charge we shall carry the day, so come along, arm yourselves and follow me, there is not one moment to lose!
SCENE - AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS
MILLICENT. ... see, I think the men should go first. They did last time, when the Bishop came, you remember.
ROBBIE. Oh, I say, look here, must we?
WILSON. I say, shall we utter frightful war cries?
MILLICENT. Well that, I feel, is optional, but remember Napoleon’s precept that the essence of attack is surprise. Come along, quietly, quickly, shh. [THEY GO UP TO THE CORNER OF THE STAIRS] Are you ready?
TEACHERS Yes.
MILLICENT. Advance! [THEY ATTACK BUT ARE DRIVEN BACK BY THE 6TH FORM GIRLS WITH FLOUR BOMBS, TENNIS RACKETS AND HOCKEY STICKS]
ROBBIE. Do you think you can make it, Fritters?
MILLICENT. I’ve got to, I’ve got to.
SGT GATES. What on earth is happening? Is anything wrong?
ROBBIE. The natives have risen, old sport.
MILLICENT. Miss Crawley, do you still wish to question the girls about that racehorse?
SGT GATES. Well, I only thought ...
MILLICENT. It’s the 6th form you want, Miss Crawley. They’re upstairs now. Go quickly, quickly.
SGT GATES. Perhaps I should.
MILLICENT. Believe me, you should. [SGT GATES GOES UPSTAIRS] Collect her in thirty seconds. [A CAR HORN SOUNDS OUTSIDE] Who’s that? Harry.
FLASH HARRY, WHO IS NOW THE ONLY PERSON NOT INJURED OR COVERED IN FLOUR, GOES TO THE DOOR AND SEES THREE LARGE CARS ARRIVING
FLASH. ‘ere, it’s people!
MILLICENT. What! The parents already! We can’t possibly let them see us like this. Miss Buckland, get the Brownies’ camp fire going.
BUCKLAND. Yes, Miss Fritton. [THERE IS SHOUTING FROM UPSTAIRS]
ROBBIE. Come on, Woodley. [THEY GO UP TO COLLECT SGT GATES]
GALE. Here, what are we going to do about that mob upstairs?
MILLICENT. Well, when the parents are safely around the Brownies’ camp fire, we’ll renew the attack, but this time we’ll be properly armed. [SHE POINTS TO A TROPHY OF SPEARS AND AXES ON THE WALL]
WILSON. Great Scott, the Zulu war!
ROBBIE. Gangway, please [HE AND WOODLEY ARE CARRYING SGT GATES, WHO IS UNCONSCIOUS AGAIN]
WOODLEY. Oof, what a weight.
ROBBIE. Knocked cold! What’ll we do with her?
MILLICENT. Put her in my bathroom and lock the door.
WOODLEY. Lock the door?
MILLICENT. Yes. Miss Crawley is a police officer in disguise.
ROBBIE. By George, we’re for it now!
WATERS. This means Holloway for me!
MILLICENT. You may not be the only one, Miss Waters. Now let me see ... Harry, you appear to be the only one unscathed. Keep the parents at bay until the rest of us get cleaned up ...
FLASH. OK, lady.
MILLICENT. ... and I feel sure that if we keep our heads, complete disaster may yet be averted.
FLASH [ANSWERING THE DOORBELL]. I’m very sorry sir, gentlemen, you can’t come in ‘ere! [THEY PUSH IN THROUGH THE DOOR]. No, no , no, not now!
FLASH. There’s nothing in ‘ere of interest to you parents. It’s outside!
MAN #2. What is?
FLASH. The Brownies’ camp fire.
MAN #3 ‘ere, are you taking the rise out of us?
FLASH. No, straight up. And they’re burning all good stuff, no rubbish.
CLARENCE. Hold it, boys. Do you know where my daughter is?
FLASH. Upstairs, Mr Fritton.
CLARENCE. Wait here, Benny. [HE GOES UPSTAIRS TO LOOK]
BENNY. You a teacher?
FLASH. In a way.
ROBBIE [COMING OUT OF MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE AS FLASH GOES IN] Never bargained for this sort of caper, Woodley.
WOODLEY. No.
SCENE - IN MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE. MISS FRITTON IS REARRANGING HER HAIR IN THE MIRROR
FLASH. ‘ere! Them people outside, they ain’t parents. Your brother’s with them. He’s out there with a mob of his oppos.
MILLICENT. What on earth is he doing here?
CLARENCE [ENTERING THE OFFICE]. Morning, Millicent. I’d like a few words with you.
MILLICENT. And I’d like more than a few with you. Leave us, Harry. I wish to speak with my brother alone. [SGT GATES IS WAKING UP IN THE BATHROOM NEXT DOOR]. How you have the audacity, Clarence, to show your face here today, after all that you’ve done to me, I do not know. You put Bella up to this because you wanted your horse to win today. You don’t give a fig what happens to my school. If this comes out, my girls will be dragged through the police courts. [SGT GATES IS LISTENING AT THE DOOR]
MILLICENT. How can we prevent it, with a horse upstairs in the 4th form dorm, barricaded in by Bella and all her friends? Clarence, you will order them to stop this criminal lunacy at once! [SGT GATES STARTS TO WRITE NOTES ON THE LINOLEUM FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM]
CLARENCE. Milly, I stand to lose a fortune if Arab Boy gets there and wins this afternoon!
MILLICENT. I am concerned with the reputation of my school. I shall never, never forgive you, Clarence, that you should do this to me, on Parents’ Day. Parents’ Day of all days.
CLARENCE. Well, I brought the boys down suitably dressed. They can mix with your parents.
MILLICENT. Why did you bring them here at all?
CLARENCE. To make sure that that horse stays here until after the race.
MILLICENT. Hm. It is leaving here in time for the race. I shall see to that. [SHE PICKS UP THE TELEPHONE]
CLARENCE. And I’ll see that it doesn’t. I’m sorry you’re so unreasonable, Millicent. I don’t know who you’re trying to phone, but I’m afraid you’ll find you’ve been cut off.
SCENE - IN THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE HALL
CLARENCE. Sam, Joe, Bill, three more of you boys, come with me, would you.
SCENE - FLORRIE CLIMBS TO THE BALCONY OF THE 4TH FORM GIRLS’ DORMITORY, UP A ROPE MADE OF KNOTTED BLANKETS
JACKIE. What’s happening, Florrie?
FLORRIE. The 6th are holding the corridor, and Bella’s father’s brought a gang to help them.
MAUDIE. Look, there’s some of them now.
THREE MEN ARRIVE AND STAND BENEATH THE DORMITORY. IN MISS FRITTON’S BATHROOM, SGT GATES IS ROLLING UP THE LINOLEUM SHE MADE NOTES ON
AT THE GATES, TWO OF CLARENCE’S MEN ARE STOPPING A CAR TO QUESTION THE DRIVER
MAN #3. Are you parents?
PARENT #1. That’s right.
MAN #3. OK.
SCENE - THE FRONT DOOR. MORE PARENTS ARE ARRIVING
FLASH. Morning! Brownies’ camp fire is first on the cards, straight down that path, back of them trees, you can’t miss it. Brownies’ camp fire, straight down the path, back of them trees.
PARENT But can’t we go in ...
FLASH. Oh, you mustn’t miss the Brownies’ camp fire.
PARENT #2. Oh, surely we can see Miss Fritton ...
FLASH. I said the Brownies’ camp fire, straight down that path, back of them trees, you can’t miss it.
SCENE - BELOW THE BALCONY OF THE 4TH FORM DORMITORY. THE THREE MEN ARE STILL THERE
A HORSE-DRAWN MILK FLOAT ARRIVES
JACKIE. I say, Maudie, supposing we could rope all those blankets together ...
MAUDIE. What for?
JACKIE. I bet we could do it ... if we could slip a message through to Miss Fritton to create a diversion and draw those men off ... hi, Jill, smoke bombs forward! We’ll make a smoke screen and then drop Florrie over with a message. Florrie!
SCENE - AT THE GATE. CLARENCE’S MEN STOP ANOTHER CAR. MR MANTON BASSETT IS IN THE BACK.
MAN #3. Parent?
BASSETT. Mercifully, no. I am from the Ministry of Education.
MAN #3. Well, what business‘ve you got ‘ere?
BASSETT. I am instructed on higher authority to inspect the school.
MAN #3. Well, you picked a nice day for it. OK.
SCENE - BACK AT THE 4TH FORM BALCONY
JACKIE. Open fire! [THEY THROW SMOKE BOMBS NEAR CLARENCE’S THREE MEN]
MAN #4. ‘ere, what are them kids up to chucking them things?
SCENE - AT THE FRONT DOOR
FLASH. This way for the Brownies’ camp fire, ‘urry along, please, pass ... pass right down the path there! Get in them trees! Any more for the Brownies’ camp fire, show’s just about to start, roll up for the Brownies’ camp fire. Any more for the bloomin’ Brownies’ camp fire. [MANTON BASSETT ARRIVES]. This way for the Brownies’ camp fire, greatest show on Earth, uh uh, this way for the Brownies’ camp fire.
FLASH. Oh. Oh, in that case I’ve give you a bum steer. Sir. It’s straight down that path you want, for your mates.
BASSETT. Mates?
FLASH. Yeah. Robbie Smith and old Woodley. In the summerhouse, down by the lake. You can’t miss it.
BASSETT. I’d like to, but under the circumstances I think I’d better not. Thank you.
FLASH. You’re welcome. This way for the Brownies’ camp fire. All the fun of the fair.
SCENE - ALL THE STAFF ARE ASSEMBLED IN MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE
MILLICENT. At all costs we must keep our heads and reconsider our strategy. It would be useless to attempt another attack now, a handful of mere women against a gang of hooligans.
FLORRIE [BURSTING INTO THE OFFICE]. Miss Fritton, Miss Fritton!
MILLICENT. Yes, girl, what is it? What is it?
FLORRIE. I’ve got a message from the beleaguered forces.
MILLICENT. Yes, yes?
FLORRIE. Jackie West says she’s got a plan to get the horse away if you can create a diversion and draw the men off.
MILLICENT. What plan? What diversion?
BRIMMER. Apart from June doing a fan dance, I can’t think of anything. [THERE IS A NOISE OF DISTANT SHOUTING]
MILLICENT. Wait! I fancy I can! What do I hear?
WILSON. The Old Girls!
MILLICENT. The Old Girls! Yes! [A COACH ARRIVES, THE ROOF LOADED WITH CRATES OF BEER BOTTLES, MOSTLY EMPTY] And all in primed condition! [FLASH TRIES TO STOP THEM ENTERING THE SCHOOL BUILDING BUT IS KNOCKED DOWN]
SCENE - IN THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE HALL. THE MEN STANDING ON THE STAIRCASE HEAR DISTANT SHOUTING
WILSON. This way the Old Girls! Rally round, there’s a frightful emergency.
CLARENCE. We’ll need every man we can spare to deal with this. [HE RUNS ROUND TO THE BACK OF THE BUILDING]. Sam, Joe, all of you, come with me, quick! [THE 4TH FORM WATCH THEM RUN OFF]
JACKIE. Come on girls, let’s get the blankets, quick!
SCENE - IN MISS FRITTON’S BATHROOM, SGT GATES (STILL TRYING TO GET THE DOOR OPEN) SEES THE SHADOW OF ARAB BOY AS THE 4TH FORM LOWER HIM PAST THE WINDOW
MILKMAN. Me change horses with you? I can’t do that sort of thing!
GIRL. We’ll give you some money ...
MILKMAN. No, I can’t.
SCENE - AT THE SCHOOL GATES. CLARENCE RUNS UP TO THE TWO MEN ON GUARD
CLARENCE. Hey Butch! Butch! Come on, run as quick as you can. No, no, you stay there, Spider. Come on! [THEY RUN OFF, LEAVING ONLY ONE GUARD AT THE GATE]
SCENE - AT THE BACK OF THE SCHOOL, THE MILKMAN AND THE GIRLS ARE UNHITCHING HIS HORSE FROM THE CART AND REPLACING HIM WITH ARAB BOY
MILKMAN. Come on, wheel him in.
JACKIE. Come on Arab Boy! Come on, we’ve got to get you to the race.
SCENE - AT THE FRONT DOOR. SOME PARENTS ARE WALKING INTO THE SCHOOL.
PARENT #4. Of course it’s not quite Roedean or Cheltenham, my dear, but it has its points. [CLARENCE AND HIS MEN RUN IN PAST THEM]
SCENE - IN THE ENTRANCE HALL. CLARENCE AND HIS MEN ARRIVE TO REINFORCE BENNY.
WILSON. This way the Old Girls! [THE MEN WATCH AS THE OLD GIRLS ADVANCE WITH ZULU SHIELDS AND SPEARS]
CLARENCE. Don’t let them up! Block the stairs!
WILSON. Halt! Spears to the ready! Charge! [CLARENCE AND HIS MEN BREAK AND RUN UP THE STAIRS, AS FOUR PARENTS WATCH IN HORROR. THE OLD GIRLS QUICKLY OVERCOME THE MEN AND THE 6TH FORM]
SCENE - CLARENCE HAS ESCAPED THE FIGHTING AND LEAVES THE SCHOOL BY CLIMBING OVER A GATE. SGT GATES ESCAPES FROM MISS FRITTON’S BATHROOM CARRYING HER LONG ROLL OF LINOLEUM. THE MILKMAN, WITH ARAB BOY NOW PULLING HIS FLOAT, DRIVES OUT OF THE FRONT GATE. SGT GATES FINDS THE MILKMAN’S HORSE, WHICH HAS ARAB BOY’S SADDLE, AND MOUNTS HIM
SGT GATES. Good old Arab Boy! Take it gently, Arab Boy.
THE HORSE IS NOT ARAB BOY ... SHE GALLOPS ACROSS THE GROUNDS AND PAST THE MAN AT THE GATE.
SCENE - A TV SCREEN
TELEVISION. The horses are just leaving the paddock now. Whatever thrills this great race may provide, they can’t compare with the excitement we’ve experienced here in the past few minutes. The Sultan of Makyad’s Arab Boy, for whom a nationwide search has been going on for the past 24 hours, made a sensational appearance on the course ten minutes ago. Here he is leaving the paddock now. I’ve just asked Inspector Kemp-Bird of the Barchester Constabulary how he managed to trace the missing animal, but he told me he is not yet in a position to make a statement ... And they’re off! It’s a first-class start for this most coveted of all honours in national hunt racing. Mordonia’s well away, so is Blue Prince, they’re coming up to the first fence, Mordonia jumped that well...
ROBBIE. He jumped that like a dream!
SCENE - IN THE SUMMERHOUSE. ROBBIE IS WATCHING TV, MANTON BASSETT IS SITTING ON THE SOFA WHILE MISS DAWN AND MLLE DE ST EMILION STROKE HIS KNEES AND GIVE HIM DRINKS.
BASSETT. I think you chaps are batting on a pretty good wicket.
WOODLEY. Well, any time you care to join us, old man. It only means getting in another bed.
BASSETT. Sorely tempted, old man. Sorely tempted.
ROBBIE. He’s moving up! Come on, Arab Boy!
TELEVISION. Arab Boy’s going into third place now as they come to the next fence. There are three horses out in front, Mordonia, Blue Prince and Arab Boy. Nothing else in it, it looks to me like a three-horse race. Now Mordonia’s falling back. Blue Prince is moving into first place, followed by Arab Boy as they come round the bend, into the home stretch. They’re heading for home now, and it’s Arab Boy showing the way.
THE MILKMAN'S HORSE TAKES SGT GATES TO ITS HOME AT THE DAIRY
Blue Prince is drawing level again as they come up to the last fence. They jumped that neck and neck and there are only two horses in it now. Arab Boy’s taking the lead. With only fifty yards to go it’s Arab Boy from Blue Prince. Arab Boy has won the Cheltenham Gold Cup!
SCENE - IN MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE. SHE IS SITTING WHILE IRATE PARENTS SHOUT AT HER.
PARENT #5. After this I shouldn’t dream of Violet staying here, not an hour!
PARENT #6. I should think not, after what we’ve witnessed today. I was horrified, quite horrified.
PARENT #7. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
PARENT #8. I shudder when I think of what poor Mona has suffered. [FLASH BURSTS INTO THE OFFICE WITHOUT KNOCKING]
FLASH. ‘ere, it’s won! Arab Boy! It’s won!
MILLICENT. Really, Harry? Oh, well in that case, ladies and gentlemen, courtesy forbids me to tell you exactly where you can send your daughters. Will you excuse me. Come with me, Harry. I think we have an appointment with Mr Alf.
FLASH. Yeah, no Riviera for him this year, eh!
SCENE - AN AWARDS CEREMONY IN THE SCHOOL HALL. MISS FRITTON AND THE SULTAN ARE AT A TABLE COVERED IN TROPHY CUPS. THE SULTAN IS ADDRESSING THE ENTIRE SCHOOL
SULTAN. I was more than delighted to accept your headmistress’s invitation to come here tonight to present your annual awards. But for the resource of your 4th form, I should not have won the race today. [THE GIRLS CHEER] It is therefore with the greatest pleasure that I begin these proceedings by presenting this cup for good conduct [HE PICKS UP A VERY LARGE SILVER TROPHY], which I understand has not been presented since 1927, to Jacqueline West. [ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT]
WILSON. Right ho! [SHE TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS. WHISTLING AND SHOUTING STARTS IN THE DARK HALL]
MILLICENT. Lights please!
WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON AGAIN, ALL THE TROPHY CUPS ARE NOW MISSING. THREE GIRLS ARE HIDING ON THE FLOOR, HOLDING A ROPE
GIRL. June, pull! [JUNE PULLS A ROPE AND THE TABLE AND PLATFORM COLLAPSE, LEAVING MISS FRITTON SITTING ON HER OWN]